Born under the Sign of the Snake
Destined to be a seeker, I’m looking for wholeness, but I only find fragments. These make up my dreamlike worldview.

Yes or No? (Or the ever-changing story of ambivalence)

A couple of weeks ago, a closely related man in his seventies asked me once more how many cigarettes I smoke per day by now. I muttered something like: ”Oh, nothing has changed really.” Meaning that I’ve been smoking over two decades, and for the most of it, have been a heavy smoker. For a while, I feel a deep-going ambivalence towards that matter. Well, actually for the greater part of this addict career. I can tell, it withdraws more energy than smoking itself. One should believe that I would have quit by now or at least was close to it. Miles away! Or not? I don’t know, but somehow I still believe that it could happen within the next few days. I think this way for many years. It makes me laugh because it feels better than crying about it. Will I withhold my tears until there’s no way back? You see, the fact that I’m affected by a mental illness doesn’t make it easier for me. Couldn’t I just finally transform from heavy smoker to light smoker? Would that not be enough? I mean, not every smoker dies because of smoking. However, nowadays, at least where I live, there’s a lot of pressure on smokers. The imprint on every cigarette box tells you: This stuff will kill you! It’s a bad deal. But I just love to watch the smoke disappear into the sky. Too much ambivalence here! So, I needed to write a little bit about it. Don’t give up!

Finally, for everybody who is more convinced about quitting than I am, the following link is a great information portal with lots of useful info from ex-smokers. The old man keeps asking me the same questions. He does so because he cares about me. He’s my father.

Ambivalence is something, which I do experience strongly in other areas of my life too. I should not forget that this is also connected to the mental illness I’ve to deal with. As my therapist says, I want to be patient with myself, but I feel that sooner or later I must go forward.

Have a nice day!

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